Stay with me to the end, dear reader ... and we will get to a happy place, but I’m afraid we must plough through some sticky stuff first.

Dubious trade deals, the question mark over future Scottish Ag policy, scarcity of labour, inflation (stagflation?), soaring fertiliser, fuel, energy and machinery and wage costs: There is much for a Scottish farmer to worry about as we cautiously dip our toes into 2022. Unless some things change, we are likely to be severely scalded, yet still we must gingerly lower ourselves in.

I have been mulling over food prices and trade deals. The Oxford farming conference saw Mr Eustice making the reasonable point that retailers could afford to pay more for food without picking the consumers’ pockets.

This is very true, but saying don’t make it so and trade deals with no tariffs on food imports, where UK alternatives are available, don’t help either.

Jack Ward, of British Growers, pointed out at the same conference that it is very difficult for a grower to push for more money after the crop is already in the ground. We must commit to growing a crop long before the retailer must commit to buying – it’s a bit like showing your poker hand before the betting starts.

Fixed price contracts are one possible solution, but in the fierce world of retailing, obtaining a fixed price – particularly one that gives a reasonable return – can be a mythical beast and even more so if the doors are wide open to cheaper imports from abroad where wages are many multiples lower.

Don’t be in any doubt that food and agriculture are at the heart of the trade deals the UK are making. A letter to The Times, January 10, from John Alty, ex Permanent Secretary advising Liz Truss when she was at the Department of Trade and Industry, makes it very clear.

In response to an article by James Forsyth in the same paper suggesting that if we want to address the cost of living crisis, we should abolish all tariffs, bar sensitive agricultural goods, Mr Alty pointed out that in fact around two-thirds of all trade is already tariff-free and in fact, apart from food and agriculture, most tariffs are non-existent except for cars at 10%.

“If you want to use the lever of tariffs, the thing that would have the most impact on consumers is cutting food and agriculture tariffs,” he wrote.

Before anyone weighs in on Mr Alty, we don’t know if he thinks this is a good idea or not. He is merely stating the facts and it is disingenuous of the government to pretend that zero tariffs on food is not the primary goal of the trade deals – why not exclude them otherwise? If their own civil servants know it, you can bet you their ministers do too, despite protestations to the contrary.

UK consumers already get a fantastic deal on cost, quality and our standards of production are second to none, yet somehow there is still a miss-perception that food is expensive in the UK.

However, as Jack Ward pointed out at the OFC, for the cost of a cup of coffee in Waitrose, he could buy 1 lb of carrots, 1 lb of onions, 1 cauliflower and 1kg of frozen peas in the same store. None of it makes any sense ... and yet here we are.

It is not all bad news, however, for back in the real world, there are some positives.

Potato prices are steady if unexciting and at least we can expect to sell all our crop this year. Beef, lamb and cereal prices remain strong, and background noise from retailers suggests that there might just be a prospect of a slight increase in prices (still not nearly enough however) for at least some fruit this year.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a decent early calf amongst the spring calvers this morning. Reflecting on our autumn calving last year, an almost unprecedented 100%, (one trampled and one set of twins) for which my midwife mother, Rosanne, watching like a hawk on the calving camera, takes all the credit. Nothing gets past her – if she oversaw the CCTV at Number 10, the PM would have been marched out the door long since!

So, finally to my happy place. Doddie Aid is urging farmers across the land to get fit (mentally and physically) and raise money for MND research, with my North and Midlands team pulling into an early lead. It’s not too late to sign up to your district. South of Scotland, Edinburgh and Glasgow, you have a lot of catching up to do.

On February 10, 25 teams are joining former Scotland captain, British and Irish Lion and Isle of Coll farmer, Rob Wainwright, in the 48-hour Doddie Cup 500-mile cycle from Edinburgh to Cardiff to raise money for MND research. In a hungover moment of madness, I signed up a team from Angus Soft Fruits, which would love your support on justgiving.com/team/angussoftfruitsberrybikers

There is a whatsapp group chat for the teams and when I asked how many on the group were farmers, the conversation immediately degenerated into a heated argument about whether the best tractor was red, blue or green, much to the confusion and dismay of the non-farming participants.

Other farmers from Scotland and Wales will be joining, from Connaire in Ffestiniog and Rob in North Wales, and some seriously gritty ex rugby players whose names I remember from my schooldays. From Selkirk to Orkney, and Coll to Islay, there is a local team who would be delighted to have your support in such a great cause.

We are not quite as mad as Rob, Mark Beaumont and pals, however because while we are doing it in a relay, they will be doing the whole thing non-stop. Rob tells me the hardest part is the lack of sleep, for which understaffed lambings on Coll have given him a perfect training.

My family are so well known for falling asleep inappropriately (mid-conversation, or supper) that it is known amongst friends as the Porter Pause, so I am odds against to finish.