'As farming finds it an increasingly uphill task to maintain economic sustainability, surely there’s a real need to make sure we are able to service and maintain our machines at a reasonable cost'

Now I’ll have to admit that I’ve never actually been on a trip round one of these huge engineering plants where combines are designed and manufactured.

Maybe it’s got something to do with the fact that I’ve not been willing to spend the thick end of three-quarters of a million quid on a machine which is to be used for around two months of the year. A bit like the tups (which seem to be selling for a similarly inflated price at the moment) they only work for a few weeks of the year – but it’s difficult to do without them…

But the tightness of my wallet has never stopped me imagining what these huge engineering plants look like, or how the intricate process of bringing together all the wonderful pieces of technology which currently power these machines is actually carried out.

And I’ve had a while to ponder this over the past week or so as we eventually managed to find enough time to giving our own modest wee machine the annual clean out before it’s tucked away in the shed for another ten months or so.

Teutonic accuracy

I’m pretty sure that many of the big machines have their origins in Germany, and so I find myself imagining that the process is strictly regulated by the Teutonic accuracy and discipline for which that country is well known.

While much of the process is probably carried out by robots, even this will be strictly regulated as the chassis and mechanical workings which make up the complicated maze of bearings, brackets, belts, chains and pulleys are all put together in a highly regulated and monitored process, carefully overseen by the engineers who designed the intricate performance required of the machinery to operate with unequalled precision.

I envisage that further down the production line the engines which lie at the heart of these amazing machines will then be inserted and checked and tested by the design engineers and then, in a similar way, the mysteries of the hydraulic systems will be overseen by another team of experts working to ensure that the requirements of this part of the system also work to an equally precise degree.

And of course no combine of today’s stature would be complete without a host of electronic controls, sensors and other gizmos while the addition of some of the most complicated guidance systems know to mankind will be overseen by yet another team of engineers and designers until the product approaches the end of its journey.

Watch in awe

But it is only at this stage that the final, best paid and most highly regarded team of design specialists enter the fray to build on the work carried out by the teams which went before them - who will stand and watch in awe as these masters perform the final miracle of modern combine design.

For, once a combine in all its graceful, functional elegance stands ready to be tested and passed by the manufacturers as fit to leave the factory, they then call in the elite squad of designers to put in the finishing touches.

I imagine them turning up in chauffeured cars, with flunkies to take their fur coats from around their shoulders as they peel them off before setting to work putting the finishing touches to these huge machines. And, with the flick of a wrist and a wave of the hand they will highlight where examples of their own area of speciality is to be added.

And while some call it a science, others firmly believe it is an art form which takes years to master and a lifetime to perfect - for this elite group consists of the guys who decide where all the entirely unnecessary nooks and crannies, the ledges, shelves and boley holes, the corners, cracks and crevices, the alcoves, cavities and recesses in which grain, stour, straw, chaff, awns and dust gather – and due to the high level of success they invariably manage, they simply must be looked upon as the crème de la crème in the world of combine design.

Method in their madness

But while the above was originally meant as a light-hearted play on the difficulties we all endure in cleaning these machines out, I am beginning to wonder if, in these times of tightening dealership margins, if there truly is some method in the madness of these unnecessary dirt gathering corners. For it would appear that just about every dealership is currently pushing a new service to their customers - in the shape of a post-harvest spring (or should that be autumn?) clean of these behemoths before they are put to bed for their ten month slumber.

And I find myself wondering if, just like the mechanics who turn up and plug in their laptops to diagnose a problem there’s actually a secret port on the new combines where a vacuum hose can be attached and, as if by magic, sook all the dirt away in an instant.

Of course combine valeting might be the only thing which will keep some dealerships going if the recent statistics on tractor registrations are anything to go by, with a steep monthly and year-on-year fall being recorded pretty much across the board. It might be argued that with the unbelievable hikes which we’ve seen in the price of even a pretty standard tractor in recent years it might well be that there’s enough margin even with the lower sales – although if you ever listen to anyone involved in the trade any margins are, at best, fag-paper thin.

So I guess that can only point to the fact that it is the manufacturers who might be taking the biggest cut out of these sales, with the dealerships relying on the income from repairs and servicing, all of which have increased just as much, if not more than the machines themselves.

Ball-pein hammer

Of course that might be our own fault for constantly looking for all the latest bolt-on bits and pieces and electronic wizardry which it is, of course, impossible to repair with a spanner and a balll-pein hammer. Needless to say this means that we find ourselves tied ever more to working hand in glove – or more correctly laptop in diagnostic socket – with the main dealerships when the inevitable occurs and we need to get a problem repaired.

This has had knock-on consequences for independent mechanics and engineers, including the traditional ‘man-with-a-van’ who can have difficulty getting hold of the constantly updated diagnostics which are nowadays required to identify the problem and carry out the work.

And, while I’d hate to single out any one colour in particular, one of the big three manufacturers is currently facing a major backlash for this practice in the US - with reports that the Federal Trade Commission is currently investigating the situation.

This appears to be happening after farmers claimed that a ‘memorandum of understanding’ issued by the company promising to make their software freely available in order to stave off class action lawsuit which accused them of running a repair monopoly (and the possibility of seeing legislation introduced which would have forced them to make it available) appeared to have been reneged upon.

Right to repair

And at the same time legislation is being introduced across much of Europe aimed at giving consumers of a wide range of goods the 'right to repair'. The aim of this is primarily to make things more sustainable by reducing the amount of cheap consumer goods which end up in landfill or otherwise being disposed of.

But, as farming finds it an increasingly uphill task to maintain economic sustainability, surely there’s a real need to make sure we are able to service and maintain our machines at a reasonable cost.